dear rachel

lying on my back
on a saturday afternoon
with my legs bent and my hands around my waist and my thumbs pressed lightly against the skin on my back
i felt clarity
settle in
the stillness
organized
through my right thumb

during the q&a
on the saturday
of our performance
renee explained that for her
beauty and clarity are one
that
the clearer a diamond is
for instance
the better light shines
scintillates
scatters

unsurprisingly,
from renee’s lips
came words similar
(to rihanna’s)
to those you had spoken
months before

i
don’t
quite
think
my body
had ever been clear about anything
before that saturday afternoon
when i was lying on my back.

white halls white rooms white streets white studios
(what is white fragility besides an anxious protection of white violence)
home demanding unyielding unwavering pushing sometimes beating
this body
had not settled into itself
settled down
or out
into an economy of desire
or through an economy of abjection
of black matter living
of black sugar burnt in my bowl

something about lengthening
(what is it about lying on the floor)
and having renee
grab pull watch lay her hands on me and tell me and everyone every time all the time and
see
this
body
was
beautiful

there was a straining
which had not been altogether unpleasant
quite the contrary
that i let go of
the tension and holding things together
as i tried to let
the muscles
in my lower body
soften.

and the clarity just came.